I want to open this blog by saying a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to everyone who has reached out to me since I posted my LOOKING FOR MY GREAT BIG LOVE blog trilogy. It's been especially heartwarming to reconnect with high school friends from almost four decades ago.
To be honest it's been humbling to read the comments. Truthfully I don’t think of myself as inspiring, just someone who needs to keep pivoting through life’s challenges to find a safe harbour, and tooting my own horn wasn’t the goal of writing (or sharing) my blogs.
The real purpose behind publishing them is I’m launching wellness workshops at Deer Lake Wilderness Retreat (Phase II as I call it), and because part of my focus is to create a safe space where "Heroic Parents" can find community and healing, owning my story is my way of setting the stage for moving forward with that agenda in a way that feels authentic to me. This idea was inspired by Dr. Brad Reedy's book The Journey of The Heroic Parent: Your Child's Struggle & The Road Home, where he compares the experience of a parent who has a child struggling with addiction to the archetypal hero's journey. In short, while on a quest to save our struggling child we are yanked out of the 'ordinary world' and reluctantly dragged on a 'call for adventure' that takes us into the abyss against our will where we discover that it turns out the magic elixir we seek is self-awareness. Who knew? Not I.
Writing is also like therapy for me, it helps me make sense of my life allowing me to get unstuck and move forward with it.
I am a self diagnosed over-thinker so I’ve been struggling with where to go next with sharing my story in these blogs. The conclusion I’ve come to is that everyone who reached out to me appreciated the fact that I was honest, and open, and vulnerable. I have a sign in my communal barn washroom with the following quote: Be who you are, and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind ~ Dr. Seuss
So, with the good doctor’s permission, I’ve decided that I’m not going to sugar coat anything, I’m going to keep these blogs real. In order to do that though I also need to give myself permission to be uninspiring, and overwhelmed, and a little bit lost, which is how I am currently feeling.
You’re welcome to bear witness to my (sometimes messy) journey, but from now on it’s going to be in real time as I bumble along this long and winding road that I now think of as MY GREAT BIG LIFE.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I’VE LOST THE PLOT
"I’ve lost the plot" is a British expression that I love, it’s a colloquial way of saying I don’t know what I’m doing right now. Although my last blog ended on a very high note with me in my happy place learning to love myself, truthfully it hasn’t always felt that way recently. (If you are unfamiliar with my back story I suggest starting at the beginning of my FINDING MY GREAT BIG LOVE blog trilogy, or just skip ahead to Part 3: Deer Lake Lodge, My Chrysalis in the Country).
A quick recap though for those that haven’t read my blogs and want to forge ahead from here: Three years ago I sold my house in Guelph and used the proceeds to buy a 10 acre homestead in the Almaguin Highlands and became a glampground proprietor (a.k.a. professional putterer). The house I bought is a historic farmhouse called Deer Lake Lodge and it came with a small cabin and an atmospheric old barn that has a ton of potential to be some sort of cool communal hub buzzing with purpose and activity. The last two owners had already been running Deer Lake Lodge informally as a B&B so I bought the seed of an idea, but I want to turn it into place with a focus on healing and eventually have a business that I can sell so that I can (hopefully) retire someday. I incorporated my business which I called Deer Lake Wilderness Retreat, and my motto is Relax in Nature, Reflect on Life, Restore your Soul. My youngest son (Nick) did a marketing internship and thinks that 'restore your soul' is cliché and sounds like oversell. It's a lofty goal, I admit, but I've had several guests tell me that their visit here changed their life trajectory in fairly profound ways so I’m sticking with it for now.
A big part of my backstory, and a big reason I ended up at Deer Lake Lodge in the first place, is that my oldest son (Sam) has struggled to find his way in life. As a result we have both abandoned what I call 'The Master Plan', and our life detours have led me here, and him down some pretty funky roads that include a chronic addiction to weed which resulted in him living on the streets for two separate nine-month stints in the past three years.
Fast forward to today, Sam is currently sober and has been living with me at Deer Lake Lodge since the end of December. Although he's in a better headspace than he has been in for years, living with him is tricky and emotionally exhausting for both of us. It is starting to feel like we are once again getting stuck in a dependency cycle that leaves me feeling resentful and has a lot of complicated emotional baggage.
I’m also burnt out for reasons that have nothing to do with Sam, and everything to do with being a solopreneur. In short, I am questioning if I have what it takes to keep running this business on my own, and, if not, what that is going to look like.
So, because writing is my way of processing GREAT BIG LIFE QUESTIONS, I’m going to take us on an imaginary journey of the many ways in which this next chapter might play out…
ROAD NUMBER ONE: TURNING BUMPS INTO A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY
MY BENGALI TEA BOY
This is the hard part of these blogs: How much to disclose when it involves someone else? I am deciding here and now that I won’t get into the nitty gritty details of what is, and isn’t, working with regard to Sam living with me. But I will say this, there are many days when I wonder if I’m helping him by helping him, and when is it time to put my unmet needs first?
I also wonder if living with him is some sort of spiritual challenge that I need to get curious about before making any big decisions, because there is one thing I know for sure: He is definitely my Bengali tea boy. What is a Bengali tea boy you ask? I will tell you.
In her book Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living, Pema Chodron (my favourite Buddhist teacher) tells a story about Atisha, a renowned Buddhist teacher who lived between 980 and 1050 CE. Atisha was preparing to travel from Bengal (now Bangladesh) to Tibet where he was planning to share his knowledge of Buddhism. As Atisha developed his roster of travelling companions for the trip, he invited his tea boy to go along with him. All of the other monks in the traveling party were quite surprised by the invitation as the tea boy was known for his mean-spirited irritability. But the young man was also from Bengal, and the monks thought that perhaps this was Atisha’s way of keeping his home culture close to him.
When Atisha caught word of the monks’ presumption he laughed and corrected their misconception. One of his beliefs was that our greatest teachers are those people we find obnoxious, frustrating or contemptible because they act as a mirror inviting us to witness those very characteristics in ourselves. He told them that he wanted the Bengali tea boy near him to ensure that his spiritual growth would not be stunted by the equanimity of the people of Tibet because he had heard rumours that they are happy and easy going. The story has it that once Atisha arrived in Tibet he discovered much to his delight, and chagrin, that he need not have worried about his need for the Bengali tea boy, the Tibetians were not as pleasant as he had been told and challenges to foster Atisha’s spiritual growth were plentiful.
Pema shares this story to illustrate the Buddhist practice known as 'Be Grateful to Everyone'. This means that all situations teach you, and often it’s the tough ones that teach you the best. Bengali tea boys are the people who — when you let them through the front door of your metaphorical (or in my case literal) house — go right down to the basement where you store the things you’d rather not deal with, pick out one of them, bring it to you, and say “Is this yours?” In other words they give you a spiritual opportunity to practice patience and dig deep.
As I write this I’m not quite sure how I feel about the need to keep my Bengali tea boy in my travelling party to be honest, I think I've been extremely patient with him and I am too burnt out to dig deep. It also feels like I am the only one doing "the work". Truthfully I think it would be better if he wasn’t in my travelling party, for both of our sakes. He seems to be stuck and he's not living his best life or up to his potential. I continue to hope that he will engage in some kind of therapeutic community such as Caritas, a treatment program on a 100-acres working farm in Vaughan. This would give him structure and purpose in a community of people who get where he is at and can give him the tools he needs to pull himself up. But I can’t make him go, I've learned the hard way that the motivation to change has to come from within. I also know from APSGO (The Association of Parent Support Groups in Ontario) and Al-Anon meetings that his journey is something I can't stage manage and control, and learning how to let go is another magic elixir of the heroic parents' journey.
PLANTING THE SEEDS FOR GROWTH
My focus for Phase II of Deer Lake Wilderness Retreat is to run mental wellness workshops, but I have all kinds of ideas for other retreats and special events. Here are just a few of them (in no particular order): Painting workshops, stained glass making, driftwood art, scrapbooking & collaging, encaustic printmaking, writing workshops, podcast creating, candle redux (ie. reusing old candle holders by making new candles), photography, making Christmas ornaments & gifts, wreath making, charcuterie board making, yoga and meditation retreats, AA and Al-Anon meetings, birding, hiking trips, retreats facilitated by specialized practitioners (I've already hosted a Brené Brown Rising Strong retreat), women’s weekends, guys get-togethers, open mic-nights & TedX-like talks, a small music festival, micro weddings, forest bathing, stargazing, etc.
I have just committed to hosting a Wise Woman Retreat on September 27 & 28th that will be facilitated by my friend, and coach, Katie Cook. More information about that will be posted to my website in the next couple of weeks. She's currently working on a guest blog about 'Inspired Action' and her own hero's journey, I have no doubt it will be amazing!
But more than anything I really want to get the Heroic Parent Club retreats going, as much for myself as anyone because in many ways I’m still in it, and some days I can’t see the forest through the trees.
The idea is to create a safe space where traumatized parents can come together and share their story with people who “get it” because they have walked a similar path. There is a lot of healing that comes from having one's experience validated, and sometimes misery does make good company, in my experience it can lead to some pretty dark humour.
But I also feel like these retreats will need a bit more structure to them, and I need more than life experience to lead them. So a few weeks ago I did a deep dive on the internet to look into becoming a coach of some sort so it would give me some legitimate qualification, and this led me down the rabbit hole to the CMC: Foundation for Change. It turns out that when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive!
This discovery was late on a Wednesday night and there was an 11-week lunchtime series for parents to introduce the Invitation to Change Approach (ITC) starting that Friday at noon. Signing up was a no-brainer and I'm loving it. There have only been two sessions so far but already I am very excited about what I’m learning. I know I have work to do with regard to how I communicate with Sam, and it feels like this approach will help both of us put down some of our defensive armour. It will also help me figure out the co-dependency dance, what is mine to own and when to put up some healthy boundaries.
In addition to that, they have some very affordable training classes coming up in the fall that would allow me to become certified in the Invitation to Change Approach so that I can start my own ITC Community Group (a.k.a. Heroic Parent Club). For those interested, here is a description of what that entails: ITC Community Groups are designed for people who care about someone struggling with substance use and want to help. They are a space to share the difficult or painful experiences that often come along with caring, while learning and practicing ITC skills that give members effective skills to use in their helping role. We have created an ITC Groups curriculum that includes tools for understanding, communicating, and creating an environment that is supportive of change—all while making time for practice and self-compassion for group members.
One of the metaphors the instructor keeps using when describing the ITC approach is a farming one. What ideas take root is unpredictable and depends on many factors outside of our control. We don’t know what will grow, when, or why, all we can do is prepare the soil, plant seeds and hope they harvest.
This metaphor is a good segway to Road Number 2: Digging Deep. This road is by far the most daunting one I could travel down, but it is also potentially the most rewarding one.
Outtake from: LOSING THE PLOT Part 2 ~ Digging Deep or Ditching Altogether?
This next road feels extremely daunting, but it could become my real life’s purpose and when I listen to Oprah's Super Soul Sunday Podcast I feel inspired to see it through. So let's nudge down Road Number 2—Finding my Life Purpose and Digging In—together.
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And then there's Road Number 3—Escaping—need I say more? Recently I've hit an exhaustion wall that comes from solopreneur burn-out and the heroic parent fear that I’m going to spend the next 10-20 years enabling my adult son. These two things have massively triggered my fight or flight instinct and for the past couple of weeks I’ve been heavily indulging in a fantasy where I ditch all of my responsibilities, sell my business, and buy an Airstream trailer and hit the open road.
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